Hey, you guys have any plans for Valentines Day?
Three months from now? No.
What? No?
I mean,
secret romantic plans that would be ruined if I told you.
Oh.
Whats going on, Raj?
Well, how would you guys feel
about going to India for my wedding?
Oh, thats so exciting!
Penny, you will never guess what I have planned
for Valentines Day.
Uh-huh.
Can I feed peanuts to the elephants at your wedding?
That is such a stereotype!
There wont be any elephants?
Of course therell be elephants.
Its a stereotype that you feed them peanuts.
Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months?
Yeah, well, her familys doing most of the work.
Theyre amazing. We talk all the time.
Why?
Because were about to get married
and theyre gonna be my family.
Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.
Really? My parents love Leonard.
Yeah. And my mom loves Penny, which is weird,
because I never knew she could love.
And my dad has grown to really...
like Howard.
Yeah, theres a nice... coolness between us.
Hey, guys, before Anu gets here,
can I talk about the seating situation?
I really dont want her to sit on the floor.
Oh. No problem. Bernadette, floor.
Hey! Yeah, you cant make my wife
sit on the floor.
Fine.
Howard, floor.
Fine, Ill sit on the floor.
Thank you, Penny. And, Leonard,
I was kind of hoping I could sit next to Anu.
So now
I
have to sit on the floor? Its my house.
Why cant Sheldon sit on the floor?
That might be the dumbest thing youve ever said.
WOLOWITZ: Guys, guys,
theres a simple solution.
I am not breaking up with her.
All right. Lets keep thinking.
Hey, everybody, its Anu.
Hi.
ALL: Hi! Welcome!
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall
♪
We built the pyramids
♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪
Bang!
♪
(groans): Oh, I am stuffed!
I should not have eaten all those dumplings.
(chuckles)
I think we should have sex.
(passing horn honks)
(squeakily): Me, too.
Yeah, its just, we havent done it yet,
and I think its important
to make sure were compatible before we get married.
I totally agree.
Oh, just one question.
While were doing it, can I leave my shirt on?
You know, the dumplings, pretty salty.
It doesnt have to be tonight.
How about this weekend?
I can get us a room at my hotel.
Okay. Sounds nice.
We can order a bunch of room service,
because Im not eating anything between now and then.
Aw. Are you worried?
I am not worried.
If anything, Im overconfident.
Edging into smug.
Im sure its gonna be fine.
Oh, its gonna be better than fine.
Trust me, Ive had no complaints.
Good to know.
Well, Ive had questions, comments,
some constructive criticism,
(snorts): but... no complaints.
Youre up early.
Huh? Yes. I wanted to get a jump
on planning a day of fun for you.
Oh, thats sweet. What are we doing?
Oh, no. Just you. I have other plans.
Now, would you prefer to see
The Grinch
in 2-D or 3-D?
I dont want to see it at all.
Well, lets go 2-D. No sense in spending extra money.
What are you gonna be doing?
Being a great husband.
Yeah, youre gonna need to show your work on that.
After last night, I got to thinking
that I should have a better relationship with your family.
I think the one you have with them is perfect.
I hardly have one at all.
Which is perfect.
Oh, Amy, theyre important to you,
and youre important to me.
Therefore, according to the transitive property,
theyre important to me. Its the same reason
Im interested in your big, flat feet.
Well, you know that my mom can be...
well, difficult to get along with.
Which is why
Im starting with your dad and working my way up.
All right. Im just worried
you might have a rather unpleasant day.
Yeah, back at ya. I watched the trailer
forThe Grinch-- it looks terrible.
(knocking)
Hi, Sheldon. Oh, good. Youre right on time.
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, pumpkin.
Pumpkin? Ive been calling her spaghetti squash.
Its amazing that one woman
can be different vegetables to different men.
Bye.
So, how does this work with in-laws?
Am I supposed to be calling you Dad?
Because I dont want to.
You dont have to.
Oh, thanks, Larry.
Ooh. That doesnt sound right.
(gasps) Maybe I should pick a vegetable for you.
(video game noises on TV)
Hey, Leonard, can you pause the game for a second?
Uh, hang on. Im about to beat Howard.
What? Hey!
What?
Hes our friend.
Whats up, pal?
I... I dont know how else to say this,
but, um, Anu and I are going to have sex tonight.
Yeah...
Do you know how creepy that sounds?
Yeah...
So, is this the first time?
Yeah.
How you feeling about it? Uh...
to be honest, Im pretty anxious.
I mean, this is the woman Im marrying-- what if its no good?
Do we break up? Do we...
sign on for a lifetime of mediocre sex?
Just dont put so much pressure on it.
Its always a little awkward in the beginning.
I remember the first time I slept with Penny.
It was bad?
Oh, it was awesome!
I will replay it in my head until the day I die.
WOLOWITZ: Well, if it helps, I was really nervous
my first time with Bernie.
Mostly because I was worried my mom would walk in.
Did she?
Yea-- Yeah.
BERNADETTE: Ill tell you one thing.
Lock the door.
Yeah, Raj, youre gonna be fine.
Just break out some of your Kama Sutra moves.
I dont really know any of that stuff.
I just pretend I do to impress women.
And by the way,
Anu is Indian-- shes gonna know
theres no sexual position called a "screeching lotus."
Screeching lotus?
Sometimes I get leg cramps. Its my cover story.
Look, shes probably nervous, too.
Yeah, what if
youre
great andshes
bad?
How can she be bad?
Raj, women can be bad at sex, too.
(laughs): No, thats silly.
Hey, have you checked the dates on these?
Theyre all expired.
You buy candy in a comic book store, you get what you get.
Its calledLethal Weapon,
but isnt that redundant?
Arent weapons, by their very nature, lethal?
I suppose youre right.
Yeah, and dont even get me started on
Unsolved Mysteries.
I didnt get you started on
Lethal Weapon.
All right, this is another one of my favorite places,
the comic book store. Feel free to look around.
Vintage comics in back, vintage candy right here.
What are you guys up to?
Oh, father-in-law, son-in-law bonding. Its going great.
Look at what he bought me at the train store.
(blows whistle)
Yeah, it sounded louder in the car.
Cool. Can I see it?
Hmm? Sure.
Oh. Interesting.
I think this is one of those disappearing whistles.
What are you talking about?
(claps hands)
Voilà!
Amazing.
Where did it go?
Look in your pocket.
(gasping): Oh! Oh!
Oh, how did you do that?
Sorry, a magician never shares his secrets.
Ill give you a hundred bucks.
Sold!
Okay.
Hey.
Wheres my wallet?
Voilà!
Hey, Penny. I need your help.
I am freaking out.
Okay, is she there yet?
No, I got here first. You know...
get the lay of the land.
Raj, its gonna be okay. Look, sex isnt
the most important thing in a relationship.
My first time with Leonard was nothing to write home about.
Really?
Yeah, but, you know, over time it got better.
S-So practice makes perfect?
Well, practice makes better.
(phone chimes)
Oh, my God, oh, my God, she just texted. Shes on her way up!
Raj, calm down. You got this.
Yes. Thank you, thank you. I got this.
Just remember, the most important thing is to have fun.
Stop putting so much pressure on me!
Hi.
Everything okay?
Why are you acting so weird?
Raj? Whats going on?
(champagne cork pops)
Be right out! You look beautiful!
Sorry, I had to use the facilities.
With a bottle of champagne?
Mm, I like to celebrate the little things in life.
You need to go? Theres still some left.
Raj, what is going on?
No, no, its not whats going on,
its whats comin off.
Stop it.
Youre acting weird, and its freaking me out.
Why? Because I couldnt talk and ran in the bathroom
to slug back a bottle of champagne
when I pretended to pee?
Okay, I think Im gonna leave.
No, no, wait, wait, dont-- okay, dont go.
Fine. Then tell me whats going on.
Well, funny story...
The truth.
Oh, God, the truth is so not good for me!
Voilà.
Darn it.
Its okay.
Here, let me show you again.
Its like youre actually magic.
You can do that but you still cant get my bra off.
The rings dont roll their eyes at me.
Excuse me, Turnip, we need to get going.
But-but Howard was gonna show me some close-up magic.
Well, if you want to see real magic,
Ill take you to Union Station,
home to trains, subways and busses that,
every half hour-- voilà-- drive to the airport.
Id like to stay, if you dont mind.
Oh, not at all.
Howard. A word.
Whats up?
I need you to stop being so delightful. What?
Im supposed to be bonding with him.
You have your own father-in-law; leave mine alone.
Tell you what, you take my father-in-law, Ill take yours.
I dont want your father-in-law.
What if I throw in a quarter?
Do it again. Do it again.
Mrs. Fowler. Mrs. Fowler.
Sheldon, whats going on?
Where is Larry?
Oh, Turnips out; Im bonding with you.
Okay, you wanted the truth, here it is.
You have a drinking problem.
No. I, uh, I have a talking problem,
and a drinking solution.
What does that mean?
(sighs)
Oh, Anu, for most of my life,
I got so nervous around women
that I couldnt talk to them without alcohol.
So youve been drunk every time weve seen each other?
No. No. It hasnt happened in a long time.
And I really thought I was over it,
but I guess... I-I dont know,
I guess I-I wanted so much for tonight to go well,
that I-I stressed myself out.
It came back.
(sighs)
Why didnt you tell me about this before?
I was embarrassed.
I get that.
If it makes you feel any better,
Ive got things Im embarrassed about, too.
Really? Will you tell me one?
Okay. Um...
Ugh. I hate telling people this.
I dont like music.
What kind of music?
Just all of it.
It sort of seems like a waste of time.
Even Beyoncé?
See, this is why I dont tell people.
No. Um, its fine. Its just,
have you heard "Single Ladies"?
Yeah, and I dont get it.
I mean, the lyrics are "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."
Y-You have to sing it in the voice of a goddess.
Like: ♪ Oh, wa-ah, oh
♪ Wa-ah, oh
♪ Oh, oh, oh
♪ Wa-ah, oh. (laughs)
My point is, we both have our little eccentricities.
Little eccentricities?
One is a deep-seated psychological disturbance,
and the other can be solved by half a glass of chardonnay.
So the doctor prescribed Nizoral and it blocked enzyme action,
and the fungus cleared right up.
Thats a very disturbing picture.
Yes, well, they say a pictures worth a thousand words,
but I say nothing beats a picture and a thousand words.
Still, you might want to take it off Facebook.
Oh, no. Its in my nature to share.
So, your turn.
Uh, other than Amy,
have you every had anything removed from your body?
I am not going to answer that.
Smart. Save something for our next get-together.
Oh, we should commemorate this one with a selfie.
Oh, look at us, two peas in a pod.
Oh, speaking of vegetables,
how about I start calling you Old Lady Green Beans?
Hey, you look deep in thought.
Ah, Im just reflecting.
About what?
The first time we slept together.
Oh, honey. Dont beat yourself up; its great now.
This is not good.
Sheldon is hanging out with my mom.
Yeah. O-One sec.
W-What do you mean, "dont beat myself up"?
AMY: Guys, focus.
My mom thinks that Sheldon is the reason
I dont spend a lot of time with her.
Well, why would she think that?
Because I told her.
You need a cup of coffee? Wake up!
So youve been using Sheldon as an excuse
to get out of seeing your mother?
(sighs) I know.
I feel terrible.
I love my mom but, you know, sometimes...
Yeah. We-Weve met her. Yeah.
And its easier to say I cant spend time with her
because of Sheldon than to admit that I just, I dont want to.
Totally understandable.
Ill ask again, what do you mean,
"dont beat myself up"?
And then you ask me 20 questions to try to determine
which Nobel Prize-winning physicist I am.
Ready? Go.
Can I give up?
No. 19 questions left.
(ringtone playing)
Are you gonna get that?
Oh, no. Were in the middle of a game.
18 questions left.
Answer the phone, Sheldon.
Hello, Amy.
Hey, hows it going?
Well, Howard lured your dad away with magic,
so now Im bonding with your mom.
I think she likes me.
Id like you a lot better
if you werent keeping my daughter away from me.
Uh, wh-- Hang on, Amy.
Whats the problem, Green Beans?
Amy said she couldnt come to Thanksgiving dinner
because you always have to spend it with your mother.
I havent spent Thanksgiving with my mother in years.
Amy, why would you tell your mother
that I spend Thanksgiving with my mother?
Uh, no time to talk about that now.
All your action figures are on fire.
Harrison Fords in the lobby. Come quick.
And Amy never joins us for Sunday dinners
because you refuse to go out on a school night.
Sh-- I can go out on a school night
as long as Im in my PJs by 10:00.
Sheldon, dont listen to her.
She doesnt know what shes talking about.
Shes crazy!
Hello, Amy.
Hello, Mother.
Great news. We-we can come for Thanksgiving this year.
I cant believe it.
All this time Ive been angry at you
when I should have been angry at Amy.
Look at that. Were both angry at Amy.
Maybe thats something we could bond over.
Let me ask you this:
how do you feel about Howard?
Oh, is he that odd little friend you have with the haircut?
I may have married the wrong Fowler.
Why would Amy feel the need to lie to me?
Well, perhaps because youre her mother
and she didnt want to disappoint you.
Really?
Even after she threw you under the bus,
youre still gonna defend her.
Oh, yes.
Shes my wife and I love her.
And if I can forgive her for putting ketchup on her eggs,
I can forgive her for this.
Her father does that, its disgusting.
Amys crazy, you are a delight.
Good morning.
Mm. Good morning.
I ordered some coffee for us.
Oh, fantastic.
(sighs)
Last night was...
wonderful.
(sighs) But all we did was talk.
Yeah. And it was wonderful.
Am I safe to assume you talking to me now
is a good sign for our marriage?
(chuckles) Yeah, and-and for my liver.
Hey, about the other thing.
Um...
Should we just wait for another night?
Or I go take a shower,
and you decide how you want to play this.
Take a shower with me, Raj.
Thank you, Amy.
Its so nice of you to have us over for dinner.
(chuckles) Couldnt think of a single reason not to.
Yeah, and boy, did she try.
Thank you, honey.
Oh, youre welcome, dear.
Would anyone like to see the magic trick Howard taught me?
Id love to see your trick, Daddy.
A perfectly ordinary table knife.
(exhales)
Watch closely.
Voilà.
Oh, my gosh, that was so good.
Well, look, theres fake blood, too.
Ill be right back.
I dont know about you, but I dont really like magic.
You just keep getting better and better.
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